I will start off by saying any of you reading this, you are loved, you matter, and if you go missing, people will miss you.

Throwaway because she may know my username.

I live a healthy life. I am blessed with stable mental health that I will be forever thankful for. For however healthy I think I am, I still have bad days mind you. Ive been low.

My girlfriend, is not as mentally healthy as me. She suffers with PTSD, Anxity, Depression and BPD. She was in a 5 year long relationship filled with physical and emotional abuse. She was sexually assaulted and this lead to her succussfuly taking her life, only to be brought back on the table. She went the whole way, and told me she didnt want to die the second she opened her eyes again, but the urges to die remain.

All of this happened in her previous relationship. How far she has come since then is remarkable. She got back into fitness and working out. Got back some old hobbies and found a new career. She has made amazing, remarkable progress and I tell her this every day. The girl I met on our first date is not who I now call my partner, she has made such progress. From her day to day, to how she copes.

She however still has hard days. For context, I work away part of the year, so the trials of long distance is something we deal with. We had a falling out, that esclated into her isolating herself and almost comitting self harm again.

I fucked up. I though her demand of "time to think and process" was a serious one. It was however her creating distance due to self hate, figuring she was not worth my time or my love. This resulted in a massive blow up, with tears and threats against herself over phone after I left her alone for a day (I legitimatly thought ahe needed space) I talked her down from 5000km away and got her father over to be there with her. She is doing better now, and we are discussing our communication problem that led to this.

I know what I signed up for. Im in it for the long run. I dont give a fuck what she puts me through because shes the understanding, loving, thoughtful, selfless person I date and love. She is not the selfish angry rash person her depression and anxiety can make her into.

I know many of you suffer. I know it can not be easy, to want to die. I know help is not a snap of the fingers or one word.

I still ask of all of you who suffer, what shines some light? What, even for a moment, brings you back. What forces the urge to hurt down and kills the angry voice tallking yourself your not worth it? Even for a moment?

Ill share what I try: taking our two dogs for a walk, or jusr getting her outside. Taking her to the ocean, watching a movie or tv show episode that I know makes her smile. Playing basketball in the driveway together. Going to the gym together. Painting/drawing or asking her to paint/draw me something.

Is there a perspective some of you can share. Those who suffer and stand by whose who suffer, what helps you get through it?

I love you all, because we are all in this together.

-N

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