Hi there. Looking for advice. I hope I don’t come off as too insane. At times I feel like I’m going that way.
Just some background. I took a couple years off of work when my mental health suffered enough. I found spirituality and my life felt like it had true meaning and purpose for once. Now I have almost an obsession with living a life “with god” to where it’s becoming a struggle to function in society.
As I make progress on my path to letting go of all of the unnecessary things in my life, I now find myself wanting to let go of almost everything. Anything that causes me stress I’m wanting to leave behind. Things like selling my home to just rent (or travel long term without a home), closing out investment accounts, liquidating belongings… all because they cause stress I don’t care to deal with. These stressors affect me more now than they ever used to when I was in the rat race.
I’m wondering if I should be concerned with this loss in motivation in this regard. It feels like I’m going toward being a nomad, which is a scary thought. If I fully let go, I think I could support myself in an albeit minimalistic and modest lifestyle. But I still have those ego urges that continue to haunt me. Keeping me from what my friends would call, “going off the deep end” with my spirituality.
Less and less I’m feeling the urge to be a productive person by society standards. Im selling my hockey equipment, golf clubs, ski’s, etc. I’m more hungry to learn and to create consciousness. But I also have that conditioning in me to wants to be in that rat race of chasing the dangling carrot. For some reason I can’t live both lives. Why can’t I build wealth and collect “things” AND live with god. It’s one or the other for me. Very odd.
I suppose I’m finding it hard to stay on path while I keep these stressors. My inability to deal with the stressors is pushing me toward things like alcohol, sex, etc. I think I’d rather be poor and mentally fit, in peace, in nature, Frankly I’m not even sure I’m capable of being a productive part of society anymore. Going back to a career is extremely anxiety provoking. I just don’t want it.
I seem to be fighting something in me between living a spiritual lifestyle, which means a conscious lifestyle vs the unconscious lifestyle of being in ego. It’s very black and white for me.
And when I live consciously, I’m happy. But the ego cravings start to sneak in. Boredom and stress is my biggest nemesis that gets my off path. When I’m living with a disconnect from spirit, I really suffer. And it’s hard to get out of that rut.
Hoping I make sense.
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